Holidays can worsen abuse. Here's how I broke free | Opinion

What happens when the joy of the holidays hides the silent pain in millions of homes?

Every year, as the holiday season approaches, domestic violence shelters and hotlines brace for an annual surge in calls. The stress of the holidays is the perfect dry kindling, needing only the smallest spark to burst into flames. While commercials and movies paint this time of the year as full of joy and peace, it can be particularly painful if you are currently or have previously experienced domestic violence, as I did for so many years.

For those in toxic relationships, the holidays present a unique difficulty, with a sense that a picture-perfect front needs to be presented. Toxicity strengthens its grip when a victim feels like they are on stage at these gatherings with family and friends. It’s a reminder of what is secretly happening behind the scenes for those who suffer with deep, highly personalized wounds.

Growing up, nothing I did was ever good enough. The accolades for my mother’s meal were not good enough, nor were the gifts we chose for her.  And the year I didn’t go to church was the year my grandmother dubbed me the “devil worshiper.”

The cycle of falling short continued into adulthood. My holidays were masked and anesthetized with alcohol – a deterrent to the peace, joy and love I felt like I was supposed to be embracing. In marriage, the holidays became the time to expose my insecurities about my appearance, pedigree, success and intelligence. The season became one of impossible perfection to which I fell short.

As part of that experience, there was physical and sexual abuse that occurred both as a child, teenager and later as an adult.

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Domestic violence calls increase 20% during December

Nearly half of us, men and women alike, experience this kind of toxicity, abuse and violence. In the United States, more than 12 million people experience abuse in a year, an increase since the COVID-19 pandemic that shows no signs of slowing down.

These rates are highest among women who are Black, Asian, minority ethnic and immigrants. On top of that, December typically sees 20% more police interventions related to domestic violence.

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Greenville County Solicitor's Office candlelight vigil for lives lost to domestic violence

The Greenville County Solicitor's Office held a candlelight vigil for the lives lost to domestic violence. The event was hosted by the Community Domestic Violence Coordinating Council near the Greenville County Courthouse on Oct. 29, 2024.

The increased pressures of the holidays marry with the reduced self-control that comes from exhaustion, emotional triggers and alcohol. The toxic individual preys on that vulnerability, the fragility of their victim’s psyche and their intimate knowledge of them to inflict deep pain.

Abusers are skilled at manipulating their victims, instilling fear and isolating them from support networks. People will ask why you didn’t leave sooner, but the reality is that leaving an abusive situation requires immense courage and careful planning, often over months or years. Sometimes, a victim feels like they can’t leave – that the situation is all they’ve known and it’s terrifying to start over again, so they stay despite the immense pain they’re facing.

For anyone experiencing a cycle of abuse this season and for those looking to support someone who may be, I have some words of advice that I wish I had received:

• Recognize that you are on the front lines of a difficult war. Increase your self-compassion and care. Say no to too many activities. Preserve your energy for what matters most.
• Build your safety plan. Consult with professionals on how to do that. They won’t judge you and are used to helping plenty of others like you. Know that you do not have to do it alone and can rely on your support network. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. Help is available 24/7.
• Alcohol and other intoxicants can exacerbate already heightened emotions. The rise in drinking and substance use during the holidays can precipitate more violence. Abusers consumed substances immediately before 47% of domestic assaults, and 92% of abusers used substances that day. My advice is to drink responsibly or not at all. Get an accountability partner who is not your abuser and whom you can call in a moment of crisis. Try to limit the amount of alcohol available if you’re going to someone else’s home by talking with the host in advance.

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There is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm proof.

When interacting with someone who may be in a cycle of abuse or recovering from one, offer a hand and a hug rather than a finger shake and shove. You have no idea how powerful those moments of kindness are for someone trapped in abusive situations.

I am surprised that I’m enjoying this holiday season. Usually, I’m depressed, lonely, crying myself to sleep and feeling deep inner aching pain. Or, I’m soothing myself with some cheap thrill or pushing myself to deliver on every front at work so that there is no time or space to think about anything else. I used the combination of adrenaline and exhaustion to avoid the pain that was there.

Through my journey to trauma recovery, I have found that with the lack of toxicity comes peace, as does the stillness in quiet moments. The imperfection of a handmade tree ornament brings joy to our life, and a messy open heart without judgment brings love.

In my 47 years, this week is probably the first time I’ve really experienced the true magic and happiness of the holiday season, as I decorated the 10-foot Christmas tree in our living room with my sons. It can be hard to see at the time, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am living proof.

Rachael Kelly is the founder and CEO of the nonprofit HiveStrong, which supports survivors of domestic violence, abuse and human trafficking by helping them escape perilous situations and providing them with career pathways to sustained economic empowerment. She is the bestselling author of “From Trauma to Triumph: Finding your way out: The End,” a memoir about abuse she suffered and her path to healing. Proceeds go to HiveStrong.